My stroke of insight | Jill Bolte Taylor

Aug 26, 2023

My stroke of insight | Jill Bolte Taylor

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Jill Bolte Taylor got a research opportunity few brain scientists would wish for: She had a massive stroke, and watched as her brain functions — motion, speech, self-awareness — shut down one by one. An astonishing story.

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Content

18.33 -> I grew up to study the brain

20.398 -> because I have a brother who has been diagnosed

22.836 -> with a brain disorder, schizophrenia.

25.806 -> And as a sister and later, as a scientist,

29.771 -> I wanted to understand, why is it that I can take my dreams,

34.088 -> I can connect them to my reality,

36.347 -> and I can make my dreams come true?

39.037 -> What is it about my brother's brain and his schizophrenia

42.838 -> that he cannot connect his dreams to a common and shared reality,

48.33 -> so they instead become delusion?

50.703 -> So I dedicated my career to research into the severe mental illnesses.

55.703 -> And I moved from my home state of Indiana to Boston,

59.33 -> where I was working in the lab of Dr. Francine Benes,

61.881 -> in the Harvard Department of Psychiatry.

65.172 -> And in the lab, we were asking the question,

68.33 -> "What are the biological differences

71.204 -> between the brains of individuals who would be diagnosed as normal control,

75.33 -> as compared with the brains of individuals

78.024 -> diagnosed with schizophrenia, schizoaffective or bipolar disorder?"

82.964 -> So we were essentially mapping the microcircuitry of the brain:

87.479 -> which cells are communicating with which cells,

90.605 -> with which chemicals,

92.163 -> and then in what quantities of those chemicals?

95.536 -> So there was a lot of meaning in my life

97.789 -> because I was performing this type of research during the day,

101.321 -> but then in the evenings and on the weekends,

104.447 -> I traveled as an advocate for NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness.

110.034 -> But on the morning of December 10, 1996,

113.33 -> I woke up to discover that I had a brain disorder of my own.

117.687 -> A blood vessel exploded in the left half of my brain.

122.254 -> And in the course of four hours,

124.448 -> I watched my brain completely deteriorate

127.674 -> in its ability to process all information.

131.282 -> On the morning of the hemorrhage,

133.061 -> I could not walk, talk, read, write or recall any of my life.

138.33 -> I essentially became an infant in a woman's body.

143.33 -> If you've ever seen a human brain,

146.33 -> it's obvious that the two hemispheres are completely separate from one another.

150.199 -> And I have brought for you a real human brain.

155.16 -> (Groaning, laughter)

163.235 -> So this is a real human brain.

166.648 -> This is the front of the brain,

168.33 -> the back of brain with the spinal cord hanging down,

171.799 -> and this is how it would be positioned inside of my head.

176.242 -> And when you look at the brain,

177.81 -> it's obvious that the two cerebral cortices

180.843 -> are completely separate from one another.

184.029 -> For those of you who understand computers,

186.33 -> our right hemisphere functions like a parallel processor,

190.279 -> while our left hemisphere functions like a serial processor.

194.552 -> The two hemispheres do communicate with one another

197.401 -> through the corpus callosum,

198.98 -> which is made up of some 300 million axonal fibers.

203.198 -> But other than that,

204.33 -> the two hemispheres are completely separate.

207.614 -> Because they process information differently,

211.33 -> each of our hemispheres think about different things,

214.33 -> they care about different things, and, dare I say,

217.918 -> they have very different personalities.

223.33 -> Excuse me. Thank you. It's been a joy.

227.116 -> Assistant: It has been.

228.44 -> (Laughter)

231.532 -> Our right human hemisphere is all about this present moment.

236.385 -> It's all about "right here, right now."

240.33 -> Our right hemisphere, it thinks in pictures

243.33 -> and it learns kinesthetically through the movement of our bodies.

247.33 -> Information, in the form of energy, streams in simultaneously

252.33 -> through all of our sensory systems

254.33 -> and then it explodes into this enormous collage

257.33 -> of what this present moment looks like,

261.33 -> what this present moment smells like and tastes like,

264.33 -> what it feels like and what it sounds like.

269.33 -> I am an energy-being connected to the energy all around me

274.33 -> through the consciousness of my right hemisphere.

278.568 -> We are energy-beings connected to one another

282.21 -> through the consciousness of our right hemispheres

285.005 -> as one human family.

287.817 -> And right here, right now, we are brothers and sisters on this planet,

291.878 -> here to make the world a better place.

295.33 -> And in this moment we are perfect, we are whole and we are beautiful.

302.33 -> My left hemisphere, our left hemisphere, is a very different place.

307.33 -> Our left hemisphere thinks linearly and methodically.

312.183 -> Our left hemisphere is all about the past and it's all about the future.

317.33 -> Our left hemisphere is designed to take

320.33 -> that enormous collage of the present moment

322.946 -> and start picking out details, and more details about those details.

328.02 -> It then categorizes and organizes all that information,

332.437 -> associates it with everything in the past we've ever learned,

335.972 -> and projects into the future all of our possibilities.

340.33 -> And our left hemisphere thinks in language.

344.33 -> It's that ongoing brain chatter that connects me and my internal world

349.282 -> to my external world.

351.33 -> It's that little voice that says to me,

354.12 -> "Hey, you've got to remember to pick up bananas on your way home.

357.932 -> I need them in the morning."

359.33 -> It's that calculating intelligence

361.252 -> that reminds me when I have to do my laundry.

365.095 -> But perhaps most important, it's that little voice that says to me,

369.948 -> "I am. I am."

373.803 -> And as soon as my left hemisphere says to me "I am,"

377.822 -> I become separate.

379.46 -> I become a single solid individual,

381.739 -> separate from the energy flow around me

384.058 -> and separate from you.

385.914 -> And this was the portion of my brain that I lost on the morning of my stroke.

390.747 -> On the morning of the stroke,

393.826 -> I woke up to a pounding pain behind my left eye.

398.149 -> And it was the kind of caustic pain that you get when you bite into ice cream.

402.984 -> And it just gripped me --

404.853 -> and then it released me.

407.088 -> And then it just gripped me --

409.223 -> and then it released me.

410.974 -> And it was very unusual for me to ever experience any kind of pain,

415.33 -> so I thought, "OK, I'll just start my normal routine."

417.926 -> So I got up and I jumped onto my cardio glider,

420.33 -> which is a full-body, full-exercise machine.

424.545 -> And I'm jamming away on this thing,

426.779 -> and I'm realizing that my hands look like primitive claws

431.572 -> grasping onto the bar.

434.064 -> And I thought, "That's very peculiar."

436.079 -> And I looked down at my body

437.559 -> and I thought, "Whoa, I'm a weird-looking thing."

441.33 -> And it was as though my consciousness had shifted away

444.02 -> from my normal perception of reality,

446.517 -> where I'm the person on the machine having the experience,

449.518 -> to some esoteric space

451.44 -> where I'm witnessing myself having this experience.

455.266 -> And it was all very peculiar, and my headache was just getting worse.

458.574 -> So I get off the machine,

459.897 -> and I'm walking across my living room floor,

462.33 -> and I realize that everything inside of my body has slowed way down.

466.996 -> And every step is very rigid and very deliberate.

470.456 -> There's no fluidity to my pace,

473.329 -> and there's this constriction in my area of perception,

476.281 -> so I'm just focused on internal systems.

479.33 -> And I'm standing in my bathroom

480.885 -> getting ready to step into the shower,

482.756 -> and I could actually hear the dialogue inside of my body.

485.529 -> I heard a little voice saying, "OK. You muscles, you've got to contract.

489.33 -> You muscles, you relax."

490.742 -> And then I lost my balance, and I'm propped up against the wall.

494.9 -> And I look down at my arm

496.869 -> and I realize that I can no longer define the boundaries of my body.

502.615 -> I can't define where I begin and where I end,

506.138 -> because the atoms and the molecules of my arm

508.33 -> blended with the atoms and molecules of the wall.

512.33 -> And all I could detect was this energy -- energy.

516.33 -> And I'm asking myself, "What is wrong with me?

518.497 -> What is going on?"

520.3 -> And in that moment, my left hemisphere brain chatter went totally silent.

526.091 -> Just like someone took a remote control and pushed the mute button.

530.037 -> Total silence.

531.91 -> And at first I was shocked to find myself inside of a silent mind.

536.687 -> But then I was immediately captivated

539.95 -> by the magnificence of the energy around me.

543.734 -> And because I could no longer identify the boundaries of my body,

547.632 -> I felt enormous and expansive.

551.194 -> I felt at one with all the energy that was,

554.543 -> and it was beautiful there.

556.733 -> Then all of a sudden my left hemisphere comes back online

559.599 -> and it says to me, "Hey! We've got a problem!

561.83 -> We've got to get some help."

563.354 -> And I'm going, "Ahh! I've got a problem!"

565.406 -> (Laughter)

566.957 -> So it's like, "OK, I've got a problem."

568.972 -> But then I immediately drifted right back out into the consciousness --

573.495 -> and I affectionately refer to this space as La La Land.

578.123 -> But it was beautiful there.

579.736 -> Imagine what it would be like to be totally disconnected

582.758 -> from your brain chatter that connects you to the external world.

586.33 -> So here I am in this space,

588.196 -> and my job, and any stress related to my job -- it was gone.

592.33 -> And I felt lighter in my body.

596.203 -> And imagine all of the relationships in the external world

599.33 -> and any stressors related to any of those -- they were gone.

602.726 -> And I felt this sense of peacefulness.

606.631 -> And imagine what it would feel like to lose

608.989 -> 37 years of emotional baggage!

612.751 -> (Laughter) Oh! I felt euphoria --

618.33 -> euphoria.

620.205 -> It was beautiful.

621.33 -> And again, my left hemisphere comes online and it says,

623.98 -> "Hey! You've got to pay attention.

625.63 -> We've got to get help."

627.052 -> And I'm thinking, "I've got to get help. I've got to focus."

629.931 -> So I get out of the shower and I mechanically dress

632.423 -> and I'm walking around my apartment,

634.254 -> and I'm thinking, "I've got to get to work. Can I drive?"

638.33 -> And in that moment,

639.623 -> my right arm went totally paralyzed by my side.

641.989 -> Then I realized, "Oh my gosh! I'm having a stroke!"

646.33 -> And the next thing my brain says to me is,

648.973 -> Wow! This is so cool!

651.363 -> (Laughter)

653.331 -> This is so cool!

654.918 -> How many brain scientists have the opportunity

657.497 -> to study their own brain from the inside out?"

660.33 -> (Laughter)

662.33 -> And then it crosses my mind, "But I'm a very busy woman!"

666.33 -> (Laughter)

667.504 -> "I don't have time for a stroke!"

669.695 -> So I'm like, "OK, I can't stop the stroke from happening,

672.421 -> so I'll do this for a week or two, and then I'll get back to my routine. OK.

676.33 -> So I've got to call help. I've got to call work."

678.806 -> I couldn't remember the number at work,

680.73 -> so I remembered, in my office I had a business card with my number.

684.523 -> So I go into my business room, I pull out a three-inch stack of business cards.

688.856 -> And I'm looking at the card on top

690.537 -> and even though I could see clearly in my mind's eye

693.895 -> what my business card looked like,

695.63 -> I couldn't tell if this was my card or not,

698.242 -> because all I could see were pixels.

700.132 -> And the pixels of the words blended with the pixels of the background

704.236 -> and the pixels of the symbols, and I just couldn't tell.

707.568 -> And then I would wait for what I call a wave of clarity.

710.732 -> And in that moment, I would be able to reattach to normal reality

715.044 -> and I could tell that's not the card... that's not the card.

719.218 -> It took me 45 minutes to get one inch down inside of that stack of cards.

725.25 -> In the meantime, for 45 minutes,

727.148 -> the hemorrhage is getting bigger in my left hemisphere.

729.83 -> I do not understand numbers, I do not understand the telephone,

732.854 -> but it's the only plan I have.

734.43 -> So I take the phone pad and I put it right here.

737.139 -> I take the business card, I put it right here,

739.545 -> and I'm matching the shape of the squiggles on the card

743.33 -> to the shape of the squiggles on the phone pad.

746.671 -> But then I would drift back out into La La Land,

749.33 -> and not remember when I came back if I'd already dialed those numbers.

753.33 -> So I had to wield my paralyzed arm like a stump

757.33 -> and cover the numbers as I went along and pushed them,

761.33 -> so that as I would come back to normal reality,

764.044 -> I'd be able to tell, "Yes, I've already dialed that number."

768.076 -> Eventually, the whole number gets dialed and I'm listening to the phone,

772.44 -> and my colleague picks up the phone and he says to me,

776.027 -> "Woo woo woo woo." (Laughter)

777.694 -> (Laughter)

781.153 -> And I think to myself,

783.027 -> "Oh my gosh, he sounds like a Golden Retriever!"

786.09 -> (Laughter)

787.741 -> And so I say to him -- clear in my mind, I say to him:

790.926 -> "This is Jill! I need help!"

792.592 -> And what comes out of my voice is, "Woo woo woo woo woo."

796.33 -> I'm thinking, "Oh my gosh, I sound like a Golden Retriever."

799.164 -> So I couldn't know -- I didn't know

801.109 -> that I couldn't speak or understand language until I tried.

804.759 -> So he recognizes that I need help and he gets me help.

808.441 -> And a little while later, I am riding in an ambulance

812.075 -> from one hospital across Boston to [Massachusetts] General Hospital.

816.487 -> And I curl up into a little fetal ball.

819.661 -> And just like a balloon with the last bit of air,

826.233 -> just right out of the balloon,

828.407 -> I just felt my energy lift and just I felt my spirit surrender.

834.295 -> And in that moment, I knew that I was no longer the choreographer of my life.

840.33 -> And either the doctors rescue my body and give me a second chance at life,

844.747 -> or this was perhaps my moment of transition.

853.049 -> When I woke later that afternoon,

855.28 -> I was shocked to discover that I was still alive.

860.375 -> When I felt my spirit surrender, I said goodbye to my life.

865.33 -> And my mind was now suspended

867.679 -> between two very opposite planes of reality.

871.901 -> Stimulation coming in through my sensory systems

875.212 -> felt like pure pain.

877.488 -> Light burned my brain like wildfire,

880.726 -> and sounds were so loud and chaotic

884.345 -> that I could not pick a voice out from the background noise,

888.551 -> and I just wanted to escape.

891.148 -> Because I could not identify the position of my body in space,

896.316 -> I felt enormous and expansive,

900.157 -> like a genie just liberated from her bottle.

904.982 -> And my spirit soared free,

907.68 -> like a great whale gliding through the sea of silent euphoria.

914.885 -> Nirvana.

916.593 -> I found Nirvana.

921.291 -> And I remember thinking,

922.735 -> there's no way I would ever be able to squeeze the enormousness of myself

927.189 -> back inside this tiny little body.

932.147 -> But then I realized, "But I'm still alive!

935.679 -> I'm still alive, and I have found Nirvana.

938.806 -> And if I have found Nirvana and I'm still alive,

942.536 -> then everyone who is alive can find Nirvana."

948.758 -> And I pictured a world

950.053 -> filled with beautiful, peaceful, compassionate, loving people

956.037 -> who knew that they could come to this space at any time.

960.497 -> And that they could purposely choose

964.004 -> to step to the right of their left hemispheres --

968.401 -> and find this peace.

970.33 -> And then I realized

971.577 -> what a tremendous gift this experience could be,

975.158 -> what a stroke of insight this could be to how we live our lives.

982.434 -> And it motivated me to recover.

988.259 -> Two and a half weeks after the hemorrhage, the surgeons went in,

992.433 -> and they removed a blood clot the size of a golf ball

995.005 -> that was pushing on my language centers.

997.02 -> Here I am with my mama,

998.67 -> who is a true angel in my life.

1002.146 -> It took me eight years to completely recover.

1006.996 -> So who are we?

1009.057 -> We are the life-force power of the universe,

1014.083 -> with manual dexterity and two cognitive minds.

1018.956 -> And we have the power to choose, moment by moment,

1022.281 -> who and how we want to be in the world.

1025.983 -> Right here, right now,

1027.562 -> I can step into the consciousness of my right hemisphere, where we are.

1032.812 -> I am the life-force power of the universe.

1035.893 -> I am the life-force power

1037.457 -> of the 50 trillion beautiful molecular geniuses that make up my form,

1042.315 -> at one with all that is.

1045.33 -> Or, I can choose to step into the consciousness of my left hemisphere,

1050.698 -> where I become a single individual, a solid.

1054.003 -> Separate from the flow, separate from you.

1057.586 -> I am Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor:

1059.72 -> intellectual, neuroanatomist.

1064.439 -> These are the "we" inside of me.

1069.814 -> Which would you choose?

1073.853 -> Which do you choose?

1077.167 -> And when?

1081.107 -> I believe that the more time we spend

1083.33 -> choosing to run the deep inner-peace circuitry

1086.331 -> of our right hemispheres,

1088.575 -> the more peace we will project into the world,

1091.905 -> and the more peaceful our planet will be.

1095.528 -> And I thought that was an idea worth spreading.

1099.33 -> Thank you.

1100.43 -> (Applause)

Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UyyjU8fzEYU