The difference between healthy and unhealthy love | Katie Hood

The difference between healthy and unhealthy love | Katie Hood


The difference between healthy and unhealthy love | Katie Hood

In a talk about understanding and practicing the art of healthy relationships, Katie Hood reveals the five signs you might be in an unhealthy relationship — with a romantic partner, a friend, a family member — and shares the things you can do every day to love with respect, kindness and joy. “While love is an instinct and an emotion, the ability to love better is a skill we can all build and improve on over time,” she says.

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Content

12.625 -> So when you think about a child, a close friend, or a romantic partner,
17.333 -> the word "love" probably comes to mind,
20.25 -> and instantly other emotions rush in:
23.417 -> joy and hope,
25.042 -> excitement, trust and security,
28.625 -> and yes, sometimes sadness and disappointment.
31.708 -> There might not be a word in the dictionary
33.792 -> that more of us are connected to than love.
37.292 -> Yet, given its central importance in our lives,
39.917 -> isn't it interesting that we're never explicitly taught how to love?
44.458 -> We build friendships,
46.167 -> navigate early romantic relationships,
48.667 -> get married and bring babies home from the hospital
51.125 -> with the expectation that we'll figure it out.
54.625 -> But the truth is, we often harm and disrespect the ones we love.
58.5 -> It can be subtle things
59.833 -> like guilting a friend into spending time with you
62.708 -> or sneaking a peak at your partner's texts
66 -> or shaming a child for their lack of effort at school.
70 -> 100 percent of us will be on the receiving end
72.208 -> of unhealthy relationship behaviors
74.542 -> and 100 percent of us will do unhealthy things.
77.875 -> It's part of being human.
80.833 -> In its worst form, the harm we inflict on loved ones
83.375 -> shows up as abuse and violence,
85.333 -> and relationship abuse
87.083 -> is something that one in three women and one in four men
90 -> will experience in their lifetime.
92.625 -> Now, if you're like most people, when you hear those stats,
95.458 -> you'll go, "Oh, no, no, no, that would never happen to me."
98.292 -> It's instinctual to move away from the words "abuse" and "violence,"
101.75 -> to think that they happen to someone else somewhere else.
105.625 -> But the truth is, unhealthy relationships and abuse are all around us.
110 -> We just call them different things and ignore the connection.
114.042 -> Abuse sneaks up on us disguised in unhealthy love.
119.708 -> I work for an organization called One Love
121.792 -> started by a family whose daughter Yeardley was killed by her ex-boyfriend.
126.833 -> This was a tragedy no one saw coming,
129.875 -> but when they looked back, they realized the warning signs were there
133.167 -> just no one understood what they were seeing.
136.042 -> Called crazy or drama or too much drinking,
139.833 -> his actions weren't understood to be what they really were,
143 -> which was clear signs of danger.
145.917 -> Her family realized that if anyone had been educated about these signs,
149.75 -> her death could have been prevented.
152.625 -> So today we're on a mission to make sure
154.583 -> that others have the information that Yeardley and her friends didn't.
157.893 -> We have three main goals:
159.667 -> give all of us a language for talking about a subject
162.958 -> that's quite awkward and uncomfortable to discuss;
166.375 -> empower a whole front line, namely friends, to help;
171.25 -> and, in the process, improve all of our ability to love better.
175.875 -> To do this, it's always important to start by illuminating
179.167 -> the unhealthy signs that we frequently miss,
181.917 -> and our work really focuses on creating content
184.417 -> to start conversations with young people.
187.375 -> As you'd expect, most of our content is pretty serious,
190.042 -> given the subject at hand,
191.917 -> but today I'm going to use one of our more light-hearted
194.583 -> yet still thought-provoking pieces,
196.417 -> "The Couplets,"
197.75 -> to illuminate five markers of unhealthy love.
201.375 -> The first is intensity.
204.375 -> (Video) Blue: I haven't seen you in a couple days. I've missed you.
207.583 -> Orange: I've missed you too. (#thatslove)
209.56 -> Blue: I haven't seen you in five minutes. It feels like a lifetime.
212.75 -> What have you been doing without me for five whole minutes?
215.583 -> Orange: It's been three minutes. (#thatsnotlove)
218.042 -> Katie Hood: Anybody recognize that? I don't know. I do.
222 -> Abusive relationships don't start out abusive.
224.208 -> They start out exciting and exhilarating.
226.208 -> There's an intensity of affection and emotion, a rush.
229.542 -> It feels really good.
231.25 -> You feel so lucky, like you've hit the jackpot.
234.75 -> But in unhealthy love, these feelings shift over time
237.958 -> from exciting to overwhelming and maybe a little bit suffocating.
242.875 -> You feel it in your gut.
244.625 -> Maybe it's when your new boyfriend or girlfriend
246.917 -> says "I love you" faster than you were ready for
249.208 -> or starts showing up everywhere, texting and calling a lot.
253.667 -> Maybe they're impatient when you're slow to respond,
256.833 -> even though they know you had other things going on that day.
260.583 -> It's important to remember that it's not how a relationship starts that matters,
264.417 -> it's how it evolves.
265.958 -> It's important in the early days of a new relationship
268.541 -> to pay attention to how you're feeling.
270.583 -> Are you comfortable with the pace of intimacy?
273.208 -> Do you feel like you have space and room to breathe?
276.792 -> It's also really important to start practicing using your voice
280.542 -> to talk about your own needs.
282.417 -> Are your requests respected?
285.833 -> A second marker is isolation.
289.292 -> (Video) Orange 2: Want to hang out?
291.042 -> Orange 1: Me and my boyfriend always have Monday Funday.
294.375 -> Orange 2: Want to hang out?
295.708 -> Orange 1: Me and my boyfriend always have Monday Funday.
298.375 -> Orange 2: Tomorrow? Orange 1: It's our Tuesday Snooze Day.
301.125 -> Orange 2: Wednesday? Orange 1: No Friends Day.
304.792 -> KH: If you ask me, isolation is one of the most frequently missed
307.875 -> and misunderstood signs of unhealthy love.
310.25 -> Why?
311.542 -> Because every new relationship starts out with this intense desire
314.708 -> to spend time together,
316.083 -> it's easy to miss when something shifts.
319.042 -> Isolation creeps in when your new boyfriend or girlfriend
321.792 -> starts pulling you away from your friends and family,
324.667 -> your support system,
326.25 -> and tethering you more tightly to them.
329.375 -> They might say things like,
330.833 -> "Why do you hang out with them? They're such losers"
333.333 -> about your best friends,
334.625 -> or, "They want us to break up. They're totally against us"
337.5 -> about your family.
339.333 -> Isolation is about sowing seeds of doubt
341.958 -> about everyone from your prerelationship life.
346.125 -> Healthy love includes independence,
348.208 -> two people who love spending time together
350.708 -> but who stay connected to the people and activities they cared about before.
354.958 -> While at first you might spend every waking minute together,
357.875 -> over time maintaining independence is key.
360.75 -> You do this by making plans with friends and sticking to them
363.917 -> and encouraging your partner to do the same.
367.833 -> A third marker of unhealthy love is extreme jealousy.
371.75 -> (Video) Blue 2: What are you so happy about?
373.875 -> Blue 1: She just started following me on Instagram!
376.833 -> Blue 2: What are you so nervous about?
378.708 -> Blue 1: She, she just started following me, like, everywhere.
382.958 -> (#thatsnotlove)
386.458 -> KH: As the honeymoon period begins to fade,
388.542 -> extreme jealousy can creep in.
391.333 -> Your partner might become more demanding,
393.333 -> needing to know where you are and who you're with all the time,
396.333 -> or they might start following you everywhere, online and off.
399.542 -> Extreme jealousy also brings with it possessiveness and mistrust,
403.833 -> frequent accusations of flirting with other people or cheating,
407.125 -> and refusal to listen to you when you tell them
409.375 -> they have nothing to worry about and that you only love them.
413.083 -> Jealousy is a part of any human relationship,
415.833 -> but extreme jealousy is different.
418.042 -> There's a threatening, desperate and angry edge to it.
420.833 -> Love shouldn't feel like this.
424.333 -> A fourth marker is belittling.
426.917 -> (Video) Blue: Wanna hang out? Orange: I gotta study.
429.5 -> Blue: You'll get an A anyway, A for amazing. (#thatslove)
432.875 -> Blue: Wanna hang out? Orange: I gotta study.
435.333 -> Blue: You'll get an F anyway,
436.792 -> F for, F for... stupid. (#thatsnotlove)
440.667 -> KH: Yeah, hmm.
442.458 -> In unhealthy love, words are used as weapons.
445.042 -> Conversations that used to be fun and lighthearted
447.417 -> turn mean and embarrassing.
449.25 -> Maybe your partner makes fun of you in a way that hurts,
452.292 -> or maybe they tell stories and jokes for laughs at your expense.
455.792 -> When you try to explain that your feelings have been hurt,
458.542 -> they shut you down and accuse you of overreacting.
461.958 -> "Why are you so sensitive? What's your problem. Give me a break."
466.417 -> You are silenced by these words.
469.417 -> It seems pretty obvious, but your partner should have your back.
472.833 -> Their words should build you up, not break you down.
475.5 -> They should keep your secrets and be loyal.
477.917 -> They should make you feel more confident,
479.917 -> not less.
482.25 -> Finally, a fifth marker: volatility.
486.042 -> (Video) Orange 1: I'd be sad if we broke up.
488.167 -> Orange 2: I'd be sad too. (#thatslove)
491.042 -> Orange 1: I'd so depressed if we ever broke up.
493.292 -> I'd throw myself off this step.
494.833 -> I would! Don't try to stop me!
497.417 -> (#thatsnotlove)
501.167 -> KH: Frequent breakups and makeups, high highs and low lows:
504.917 -> as tension rises, so does volatility.
508.458 -> Tearful, frustrated fights followed by emotional makeups,
512.042 -> hateful and hurtful comments like,
513.708 -> "You're worthless, I'm not even sure why I'm with you!"
516.375 -> followed quickly by apologies and promises it will never happen again.
521.208 -> By this point, you've been so conditioned to this relationship roller coaster
525.042 -> that you may not realize how unhealthy and maybe even dangerous
528.082 -> your relationship has become.
531.542 -> It can be really hard to see
533.042 -> when unhealthy love turns towards abuse,
536 -> but it's fair to say that the more of these markers
538.458 -> your relationship might have,
539.917 -> the more unhealthy and maybe dangerous your relationship could be.
543.417 -> And if your instinct is to break up and leave,
545.625 -> which is advice so many of us give our friends
547.833 -> when they're in unhealthy relationships,
549.792 -> that's not always the best advice.
551.75 -> Time of breakup can be a real trigger for violence.
554.375 -> If you fear you might be headed towards abuse or in abuse,
557.667 -> you need to consult with experts to get the advice on how to leave safely.
563.042 -> But it's not just about romantic relationships
565.458 -> and it's not just about violence.
567.667 -> Understanding the signs of unhealthy love
569.958 -> can help you audit and understand nearly every relationship in your life.
574.625 -> For the first time, you might understand why you're disappointed in a friendship
578.5 -> or why every interaction with a certain family member
581.25 -> leaves you discouraged and anxious.
584.542 -> You might even begin to see how your own intensity and jealousy
587.583 -> is causing problems with colleagues at work.
591.208 -> Understanding is the first step to improving,
594.5 -> and while you can't make every unhealthy relationship healthy --
597.583 -> some you're going to have to leave behind --
599.708 -> you can do your part every day to do relationships better.
604.25 -> And here's the exciting news:
605.917 -> it's actually not rocket science.
608.25 -> Open communication, mutual respect,
611 -> kindness, patience --
613.25 -> we can practice these things every day.
616.875 -> And while practice will definitely make you better,
619.625 -> I have to promise you it's also not going to make you perfect.
623.417 -> I do this for a living
624.792 -> and every day I think and talk about healthy relationships,
627.625 -> and still I do unhealthy things.
630.25 -> Just the other day as I was trying to shuttle my four kids out the door
633.667 -> amidst quarreling, squabbling and complaints about breakfast,
636.667 -> I completely lost it.
638.792 -> With an intentionally angry edge,
640.958 -> I screamed,
642.292 -> "Everybody just shut up and do what I say!
644.583 -> You are the worst!
646.167 -> I am going to take away screen time and dessert
648.417 -> and anything else you could possibly ever enjoy in life!"
651.625 -> (Laughter)
653.125 -> Anybody been there?
654.458 -> (Applause)
657.875 -> Volatility, belittling.
661.417 -> My oldest son turned around and looked at me, and said,
664.375 -> "Mom, that's not love."
666 -> (Laughter)
669.375 -> For a minute, I really wanted to kill him for calling me out.
672.292 -> Trust me.
673.833 -> But then I gathered myself
675.375 -> and I thought, you know what, I'm actually proud.
678.458 -> I'm proud that he has a language to make me pause.
682.511 -> I want all of my kids to understand what the bar should be
685.25 -> for how they're treated
686.708 -> and to have a language and a voice to use when that bar is not met
689.875 -> versus just accepting it.
693.667 -> For too long, we've treated relationships as a soft topic,
698.542 -> when relationship skills are one of the most important
701.125 -> and hard to build things in life.
703.708 -> Not only can understanding unhealthy signs
706.375 -> help you avoid the rabbit hole that leads to unhealthy love,
709.917 -> but understanding and practicing the art of being healthy
712.917 -> can improve nearly every aspect of your life.
716.625 -> I'm completely convinced
718.708 -> that while love is an instinct and an emotion,
721.375 -> the ability to love better is a skill we can all build
724.708 -> and improve on over time.
726.583 -> Thank you.
727.875 -> (Applause)

Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ON4iy8hq2hM