The difference between healthy and unhealthy love | Katie Hood

Aug 18, 2023

The difference between healthy and unhealthy love | Katie Hood

In a talk about understanding and practicing the art of healthy relationships, Katie Hood reveals the five signs you might be in an unhealthy relationship — with a romantic partner, a friend, a family member — and shares the things you can do every day to love with respect, kindness and joy. “While love is an instinct and an emotion, the ability to love better is a skill we can all build and improve on over time,” she says.

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Content

12.625 -> So when you think about a child, a close friend, or a romantic partner,

17.333 -> the word "love" probably comes to mind,

20.25 -> and instantly other emotions rush in:

23.417 -> joy and hope,

25.042 -> excitement, trust and security,

28.625 -> and yes, sometimes sadness and disappointment.

31.708 -> There might not be a word in the dictionary

33.792 -> that more of us are connected to than love.

37.292 -> Yet, given its central importance in our lives,

39.917 -> isn't it interesting that we're never explicitly taught how to love?

44.458 -> We build friendships,

46.167 -> navigate early romantic relationships,

48.667 -> get married and bring babies home from the hospital

51.125 -> with the expectation that we'll figure it out.

54.625 -> But the truth is, we often harm and disrespect the ones we love.

58.5 -> It can be subtle things

59.833 -> like guilting a friend into spending time with you

62.708 -> or sneaking a peak at your partner's texts

66 -> or shaming a child for their lack of effort at school.

70 -> 100 percent of us will be on the receiving end

72.208 -> of unhealthy relationship behaviors

74.542 -> and 100 percent of us will do unhealthy things.

77.875 -> It's part of being human.

80.833 -> In its worst form, the harm we inflict on loved ones

83.375 -> shows up as abuse and violence,

85.333 -> and relationship abuse

87.083 -> is something that one in three women and one in four men

90 -> will experience in their lifetime.

92.625 -> Now, if you're like most people, when you hear those stats,

95.458 -> you'll go, "Oh, no, no, no, that would never happen to me."

98.292 -> It's instinctual to move away from the words "abuse" and "violence,"

101.75 -> to think that they happen to someone else somewhere else.

105.625 -> But the truth is, unhealthy relationships and abuse are all around us.

110 -> We just call them different things and ignore the connection.

114.042 -> Abuse sneaks up on us disguised in unhealthy love.

119.708 -> I work for an organization called One Love

121.792 -> started by a family whose daughter Yeardley was killed by her ex-boyfriend.

126.833 -> This was a tragedy no one saw coming,

129.875 -> but when they looked back, they realized the warning signs were there

133.167 -> just no one understood what they were seeing.

136.042 -> Called crazy or drama or too much drinking,

139.833 -> his actions weren't understood to be what they really were,

143 -> which was clear signs of danger.

145.917 -> Her family realized that if anyone had been educated about these signs,

149.75 -> her death could have been prevented.

152.625 -> So today we're on a mission to make sure

154.583 -> that others have the information that Yeardley and her friends didn't.

157.893 -> We have three main goals:

159.667 -> give all of us a language for talking about a subject

162.958 -> that's quite awkward and uncomfortable to discuss;

166.375 -> empower a whole front line, namely friends, to help;

171.25 -> and, in the process, improve all of our ability to love better.

175.875 -> To do this, it's always important to start by illuminating

179.167 -> the unhealthy signs that we frequently miss,

181.917 -> and our work really focuses on creating content

184.417 -> to start conversations with young people.

187.375 -> As you'd expect, most of our content is pretty serious,

190.042 -> given the subject at hand,

191.917 -> but today I'm going to use one of our more light-hearted

194.583 -> yet still thought-provoking pieces,

196.417 -> "The Couplets,"

197.75 -> to illuminate five markers of unhealthy love.

201.375 -> The first is intensity.

204.375 -> (Video) Blue: I haven't seen you in a couple days. I've missed you.

207.583 -> Orange: I've missed you too. (#thatslove)

209.56 -> Blue: I haven't seen you in five minutes. It feels like a lifetime.

212.75 -> What have you been doing without me for five whole minutes?

215.583 -> Orange: It's been three minutes. (#thatsnotlove)

218.042 -> Katie Hood: Anybody recognize that? I don't know. I do.

222 -> Abusive relationships don't start out abusive.

224.208 -> They start out exciting and exhilarating.

226.208 -> There's an intensity of affection and emotion, a rush.

229.542 -> It feels really good.

231.25 -> You feel so lucky, like you've hit the jackpot.

234.75 -> But in unhealthy love, these feelings shift over time

237.958 -> from exciting to overwhelming and maybe a little bit suffocating.

242.875 -> You feel it in your gut.

244.625 -> Maybe it's when your new boyfriend or girlfriend

246.917 -> says "I love you" faster than you were ready for

249.208 -> or starts showing up everywhere, texting and calling a lot.

253.667 -> Maybe they're impatient when you're slow to respond,

256.833 -> even though they know you had other things going on that day.

260.583 -> It's important to remember that it's not how a relationship starts that matters,

264.417 -> it's how it evolves.

265.958 -> It's important in the early days of a new relationship

268.541 -> to pay attention to how you're feeling.

270.583 -> Are you comfortable with the pace of intimacy?

273.208 -> Do you feel like you have space and room to breathe?

276.792 -> It's also really important to start practicing using your voice

280.542 -> to talk about your own needs.

282.417 -> Are your requests respected?

285.833 -> A second marker is isolation.

289.292 -> (Video) Orange 2: Want to hang out?

291.042 -> Orange 1: Me and my boyfriend always have Monday Funday.

294.375 -> Orange 2: Want to hang out?

295.708 -> Orange 1: Me and my boyfriend always have Monday Funday.

298.375 -> Orange 2: Tomorrow? Orange 1: It's our Tuesday Snooze Day.

301.125 -> Orange 2: Wednesday? Orange 1: No Friends Day.

304.792 -> KH: If you ask me, isolation is one of the most frequently missed

307.875 -> and misunderstood signs of unhealthy love.

310.25 -> Why?

311.542 -> Because every new relationship starts out with this intense desire

314.708 -> to spend time together,

316.083 -> it's easy to miss when something shifts.

319.042 -> Isolation creeps in when your new boyfriend or girlfriend

321.792 -> starts pulling you away from your friends and family,

324.667 -> your support system,

326.25 -> and tethering you more tightly to them.

329.375 -> They might say things like,

330.833 -> "Why do you hang out with them? They're such losers"

333.333 -> about your best friends,

334.625 -> or, "They want us to break up. They're totally against us"

337.5 -> about your family.

339.333 -> Isolation is about sowing seeds of doubt

341.958 -> about everyone from your prerelationship life.

346.125 -> Healthy love includes independence,

348.208 -> two people who love spending time together

350.708 -> but who stay connected to the people and activities they cared about before.

354.958 -> While at first you might spend every waking minute together,

357.875 -> over time maintaining independence is key.

360.75 -> You do this by making plans with friends and sticking to them

363.917 -> and encouraging your partner to do the same.

367.833 -> A third marker of unhealthy love is extreme jealousy.

371.75 -> (Video) Blue 2: What are you so happy about?

373.875 -> Blue 1: She just started following me on Instagram!

376.833 -> Blue 2: What are you so nervous about?

378.708 -> Blue 1: She, she just started following me, like, everywhere.

382.958 -> (#thatsnotlove)

386.458 -> KH: As the honeymoon period begins to fade,

388.542 -> extreme jealousy can creep in.

391.333 -> Your partner might become more demanding,

393.333 -> needing to know where you are and who you're with all the time,

396.333 -> or they might start following you everywhere, online and off.

399.542 -> Extreme jealousy also brings with it possessiveness and mistrust,

403.833 -> frequent accusations of flirting with other people or cheating,

407.125 -> and refusal to listen to you when you tell them

409.375 -> they have nothing to worry about and that you only love them.

413.083 -> Jealousy is a part of any human relationship,

415.833 -> but extreme jealousy is different.

418.042 -> There's a threatening, desperate and angry edge to it.

420.833 -> Love shouldn't feel like this.

424.333 -> A fourth marker is belittling.

426.917 -> (Video) Blue: Wanna hang out? Orange: I gotta study.

429.5 -> Blue: You'll get an A anyway, A for amazing. (#thatslove)

432.875 -> Blue: Wanna hang out? Orange: I gotta study.

435.333 -> Blue: You'll get an F anyway,

436.792 -> F for, F for... stupid. (#thatsnotlove)

440.667 -> KH: Yeah, hmm.

442.458 -> In unhealthy love, words are used as weapons.

445.042 -> Conversations that used to be fun and lighthearted

447.417 -> turn mean and embarrassing.

449.25 -> Maybe your partner makes fun of you in a way that hurts,

452.292 -> or maybe they tell stories and jokes for laughs at your expense.

455.792 -> When you try to explain that your feelings have been hurt,

458.542 -> they shut you down and accuse you of overreacting.

461.958 -> "Why are you so sensitive? What's your problem. Give me a break."

466.417 -> You are silenced by these words.

469.417 -> It seems pretty obvious, but your partner should have your back.

472.833 -> Their words should build you up, not break you down.

475.5 -> They should keep your secrets and be loyal.

477.917 -> They should make you feel more confident,

479.917 -> not less.

482.25 -> Finally, a fifth marker: volatility.

486.042 -> (Video) Orange 1: I'd be sad if we broke up.

488.167 -> Orange 2: I'd be sad too. (#thatslove)

491.042 -> Orange 1: I'd so depressed if we ever broke up.

493.292 -> I'd throw myself off this step.

494.833 -> I would! Don't try to stop me!

497.417 -> (#thatsnotlove)

501.167 -> KH: Frequent breakups and makeups, high highs and low lows:

504.917 -> as tension rises, so does volatility.

508.458 -> Tearful, frustrated fights followed by emotional makeups,

512.042 -> hateful and hurtful comments like,

513.708 -> "You're worthless, I'm not even sure why I'm with you!"

516.375 -> followed quickly by apologies and promises it will never happen again.

521.208 -> By this point, you've been so conditioned to this relationship roller coaster

525.042 -> that you may not realize how unhealthy and maybe even dangerous

528.082 -> your relationship has become.

531.542 -> It can be really hard to see

533.042 -> when unhealthy love turns towards abuse,

536 -> but it's fair to say that the more of these markers

538.458 -> your relationship might have,

539.917 -> the more unhealthy and maybe dangerous your relationship could be.

543.417 -> And if your instinct is to break up and leave,

545.625 -> which is advice so many of us give our friends

547.833 -> when they're in unhealthy relationships,

549.792 -> that's not always the best advice.

551.75 -> Time of breakup can be a real trigger for violence.

554.375 -> If you fear you might be headed towards abuse or in abuse,

557.667 -> you need to consult with experts to get the advice on how to leave safely.

563.042 -> But it's not just about romantic relationships

565.458 -> and it's not just about violence.

567.667 -> Understanding the signs of unhealthy love

569.958 -> can help you audit and understand nearly every relationship in your life.

574.625 -> For the first time, you might understand why you're disappointed in a friendship

578.5 -> or why every interaction with a certain family member

581.25 -> leaves you discouraged and anxious.

584.542 -> You might even begin to see how your own intensity and jealousy

587.583 -> is causing problems with colleagues at work.

591.208 -> Understanding is the first step to improving,

594.5 -> and while you can't make every unhealthy relationship healthy --

597.583 -> some you're going to have to leave behind --

599.708 -> you can do your part every day to do relationships better.

604.25 -> And here's the exciting news:

605.917 -> it's actually not rocket science.

608.25 -> Open communication, mutual respect,

611 -> kindness, patience --

613.25 -> we can practice these things every day.

616.875 -> And while practice will definitely make you better,

619.625 -> I have to promise you it's also not going to make you perfect.

623.417 -> I do this for a living

624.792 -> and every day I think and talk about healthy relationships,

627.625 -> and still I do unhealthy things.

630.25 -> Just the other day as I was trying to shuttle my four kids out the door

633.667 -> amidst quarreling, squabbling and complaints about breakfast,

636.667 -> I completely lost it.

638.792 -> With an intentionally angry edge,

640.958 -> I screamed,

642.292 -> "Everybody just shut up and do what I say!

644.583 -> You are the worst!

646.167 -> I am going to take away screen time and dessert

648.417 -> and anything else you could possibly ever enjoy in life!"

651.625 -> (Laughter)

653.125 -> Anybody been there?

654.458 -> (Applause)

657.875 -> Volatility, belittling.

661.417 -> My oldest son turned around and looked at me, and said,

664.375 -> "Mom, that's not love."

666 -> (Laughter)

669.375 -> For a minute, I really wanted to kill him for calling me out.

672.292 -> Trust me.

673.833 -> But then I gathered myself

675.375 -> and I thought, you know what, I'm actually proud.

678.458 -> I'm proud that he has a language to make me pause.

682.511 -> I want all of my kids to understand what the bar should be

685.25 -> for how they're treated

686.708 -> and to have a language and a voice to use when that bar is not met

689.875 -> versus just accepting it.

693.667 -> For too long, we've treated relationships as a soft topic,

698.542 -> when relationship skills are one of the most important

701.125 -> and hard to build things in life.

703.708 -> Not only can understanding unhealthy signs

706.375 -> help you avoid the rabbit hole that leads to unhealthy love,

709.917 -> but understanding and practicing the art of being healthy

712.917 -> can improve nearly every aspect of your life.

716.625 -> I'm completely convinced

718.708 -> that while love is an instinct and an emotion,

721.375 -> the ability to love better is a skill we can all build

724.708 -> and improve on over time.

726.583 -> Thank you.

727.875 -> (Applause)

Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ON4iy8hq2hM